i. You sewed stars onto your arms,
an entire galaxy wrapped around your limbs,
showing the world that you are a child of the universe
and not even their shaking can shatter you.
ii. I once spied you sleeping with nostalgia,
a moment so intimate and rare
it took weeks to wash off my feelings of guilt
of catching you in the only moment of happiness
you’ve ever known.
iii. The minute I saw the maggots in your hair
and the smirk on your lips, I knew it was time
to leave. I thought you loved me but I spied my heart
in your trash on the way out the door.
iv. We drank until we could no longer tell the difference
between the blood on the sheets and the alcohol on our wrists.
Before that night was over we were engulfed in the vast ocean,
sinking with our baggage that we were never meant to carry.
- To The Clustered Girl
It used to be Us. Us going to the store,
Us sleeping, Us loving. But I lost track of when
it became Them. That’s when the days blurred
together and the weather never stayed consistent,
much like Us. Us. A goddamn word that doesn’t
even fit inside my mouth anymore.
When did you decide that going was better than
staying? And when did I fail you? Because I would
use every metaphor I know to win you back even though I
already know that’s a lost cause.
I can’t think about you without wanting to puke
and every time I do my hands shake and my vision distorts
and there’s that strange pit in my stomach and it feels
like it’s never going to go away.
I can’t remember when this started and usually
I remember everything.
Scratch that last letter. I remember when it started.
It was when they took precedence over Us and every
time you said you couldn’t remember what my face
looked like when I was around you and when you stopped
holding my hand and I would give anything to feel that again.
My heart aches with how much I miss you.
Wait, no. I don’t miss you. I can’t miss you. You
stopped missing me, so I have to do the same.
You’re surviving and managing so well,
so why can’t I?
Stop. Stop getting in my veins, filling my lungs with
water. I can’t breathe or think without seeing your face
and every time I close my eyes I see stars, stars that
resemble the constellations we trashed on our backs
and they’re falling out of the sky. Falling, falling, burning
my skin and leaving bruises from the universe.
A better love story than you ever left me with.
I have lost track of how many letters I’ve tried to
write you because without you in my vocabulary,
every word sound foreign and wrong.
All I can do is hope I’m not haunting you the way
you haunt me. Please don’t respond to this letter.
I cannot handle anymore heartache.
They say when you become a parent
you only want what is best for your child.
To bring up with strong values and watch them grow,
hold them when they fall and raise them to reach the sky.
But I, I could never be a mother, not even a woman
for this childish heart echoes too loudly.
Thinking impulsively, irrationally
feeding my soul before my mind,
smashing all those that enter my path.
I make all the wrong decisions
whispering my secrets against the rims of bottles
instead of lovers’ necks,
and paint my regrets against my wrists
and along all these walls, a child
carrying a red crayon in hand.
I could never be a mother, not even a woman,
for I don’t know how to love anyone else
and I can’t even do that successfully.
i. You’re the apple
God forbade me from eating
but you taste so heavenly.
- From Eve to Adam
ii. Your seduction was meant
to destroy my convictions-
but we are Gods.
- From Joseph to Potiphar’s wife
iii. Turn around and you’re a
pillar of salt, oh I hope
- From Lot to his wife
iv. If our love is
never hiding secrets, let me
die for Him.
- From Queen Esther to her Husband
v. Your strength’s only place
is on my floor
not that silly head.
- From Delilah to Samson
a. Your lips hovered above mine
as future generations stuck to my hand
"I think we’re soul mates" you whispered,
as if that would make me want to inhale
all that you were.
k. "You’re better off dead," you explained over
text because no one could ever love me.
You even tried and the thought made your
breakfast come back up.
u. On the way back from the hospital
you refused to hold my hand even though
you knew that without it I’d end up sending
myself right back to the start.
z. "Once you relax, this will feel so good"
you whispered as I clenched while you
shoved, your fingerprints branding my
skin for hours.
I will go, and while I am gone-
Hold your keys between your knuckles,
while I cannot walk you home.
Memorize phone numbers and carry spare change,
for when the fights and matches get so bad
that you need an escape.
Carry your words wherever you go,
I will go, and while I am gone-
fight for yourselves.
Argue for what you know you deserve,
what you want, what you need.
Clash with parents, both heavenly and earthly
and never back down on any battles.
until you get all that you need,
and then keep fighting.
I will go, and while I am gone-
Look in the mirror and repeat to yourself
"I am beautiful and loved.I am beautiful and love"
because you are so amazingly beautiful and deeply loved.
Love yourself based on your own terms and conditions.
Not for a boy, or a girl,
for society, or your God.
But because you want to love and believe in yourself
for only you know what you want and deserve.
1. You required that I no longer
taste like chocolate chip pancakes
and that my mouth remained shut on
every car ride home.
2. I was allowed one kiss and that
was it because you couldn’t even
be bothered with those pair of lips.
3. Your tongue was far too
large for your mouth and that
was what immediately shut all
my responses down,and I think even
those in the restaurant knew I
shouldn’t leave with you.
4. My mouth was so bruised the next
morning, I knew it must have been payback
for everything I wouldn’t let you do.
5. That winter breeze felt so nice,
it almost brought tears to my eyes
underneath those Christmas lights
as we shared that perfect moment
right out of some silly teenage book.
6. You were the first person that ever
asked for my permission which made me
realize how much I didn’t deserve you.
7. We swore how it must have been fate,
a concept we normally never believed in,
because we were so breathless it felt
like the world would never stop spinning.
8. With all the alcohol and fighting that
happened on that night, I don’t even
think I was a glimmer in your eye.
9. You only did it because of a dare,
and even though I loved it so much
I don’t think I could ever do it again.
10. I waited years for that moment
but I don’t think it meant as much to you
as it did to me, even though we were
breaking that boy’s heart right in front of him.
11. It might have been the sweetest moment,
that even with all the alcohol I could still
see that you cared which is why my heart
still constantly yearns for you.
12. You shouldn’t even been on this list
but I think about kissing you every
goddamn day, I don’t think I will know
what life is like until your lips are on mine.
I love all those that come into my life because if the religion I
grew up taught me one thing it is that it is easier to empathize
than it ever is to save. I get attached easily because I’ve never been good at one night stands and all I will ever want is to just hold your hand.
What I’m doing with my life:
Loving wholeheartedly and learning that life never goes as planned.
Writing my thoughts inside mouths of lovers, because that’s the only place where secrets are safe.
What I’m good at:
Covering my body with the marks of a thousand different voices.
Constantly trying to break out of this mold I grew up in and shattering their commandments on a daily basis.
The first thing people notice about me:
I wish it was my eyes because it’s the one thing I love about myself but more often than not it’s how I wear my heart on my sleeve, often expressing my emotions so openly.
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
If there’s a way I can escape this world without actually escaping
The things I could never do without:
Heartache, ink, the words of others, and a dash of love.
On a typical Friday night I am:
Slipping secrets in the cracks of graveyards, making the perfect
meal to bring inspiration back, or falling behind the creases
of my partner’s couch.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
There isn’t anything I could tell you that you wouldn’t already know because I’ve never been that skilled at keep secrets about myself.
I’m looking for:
Something (or someone) with enough sustenance to fill my veins that I will still have strength for every time that I forget to eat.
You should message me if:
You have pledged allegiance to living a life of danger,
adventure, and love. If I messaged you first or you’re just
looking for a chance to hit the world running.
All I want is to see how blood’s
metallic color paints your
porcelain wrist, and how you
cringe against its touch.
The way your hair floats
on top of the water, when
your lips stick to the tub
and the echoing silence
your words bring.
All I need is your thighs
bound in ribbon to keep
you from racing to the sky
because I cannot teach you
from that far.
To protect you from those
who say they have your best interest at
heart,because only I, have held your beating
organs and felt them pulsing within my grasp.
Oh little China doll, you
will look so beautiful
sitting upon my shelf.
During Stranger Danger programs in elementary school,
they told us to pick a code word
for emergencies only
and if someone didn’t know it,
they were not to be trusted.
My parents picked the strangest word,
but it came in handy when my mother
passed out in the grocery store,
all the times she forgot me at school,
and the different times when she left church early.
I never needed the word
any other time for I always
carried my keys in between my fingers
only went outside in the daytime
and never allowed anyone into my life.
But you had an empty box of Raisin Bran shoved next
to the mattress you broke me on
and I ate a bowl of it the morning
I lost our child.
I’ve been looking for a new word ever since.